Friday, May 20, 2011

Judgement Day May 21st

I am so annoyed that tomorrow is Judgment Day and I already filled up my gas tank. It cost me $50 and I only have a midsized car! Not that I'm going anywhere. So those of you who will be remaining here on earth along with me, I think we should prepare ourselves for the inevitable ruckus. I'm assuming that the 'Rapture' will create all kinds of problems and confusion. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has issued some guidelines in case of a Zombie Apocalypse (link included).

I'll cover some of the finer points of survival in the event that there is a mass Zombie uprising. This is not my information, mind you, but comes directly from the CDC in Atlanta website posted by Ali S Khan.

There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.
Below are a few items you should include in your kit, for a full list visit the CDC Emergency page.
  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)
Once you’ve made your emergency kit, you should sit down with your family and come up with an emergency plan. This includes where you would go and who you would call if zombies started appearing outside your door step. You can also implement this plan if there is a flood, earthquake, or other emergency.
    Photo: Family members meeting by their mailbox. You should pick two meeting places, one close to your home and one farther away.
    Family members meeting by their mailbox. You should pick two meeting places, one close to your home and one farther away.
  1. Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information.
  2. Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.
  3. Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are ok.
  4. Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.
Never Fear – CDC is Ready
Photo: Get a Kit, Make a Plan, Be Prepared
Get a Kit, Make a Plan, Be Prepared
If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). It’s likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated. Not only would scientists be working to identify the cause and cure of the zombie outbreak, but CDC and other federal agencies would send medical teams and first responders to help those in affected areas (I will be volunteering the young nameless disease detectives for the field work). To learn more about what CDC does to prepare for and respond to emergencies of all kinds, visit:


  1. Is there any chance "Beast" will be finished by tonight so we can get a chance to read it before all hell breaks out? ;) just wondering....

  2. No, sorry Beast won't be finished tonight. But anyone who reads my writings will be right down here with me. I happen to know what thoughts you had in your mind while reading my titillating stories...Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves!

  3. Reposted for Ben regarding end-of-days safety tips:

    "Be sure and use the zombie survival guide that Mel Brooks' son Max wrote. Handy survival tips in there as well.

    Be sure and look out for looters as well during post-rapture. Your food and supplies are prime for looting. Throw clothes and furniture around to make your house/abode appear ransacked so less people will be prone to take your goods.

    On a smart-ass note, being quite the heathen (as my mother called me numerous times as a child)...I'll be hanging out and doing what I can to survive the end times so if you find yourself in Memphis say you're a fellow reader, we'll toast a beverage of potable water.


  4. Love your humor,those people who put the billboard up need to read some of your stories. They would chill out and relaxed.

  5. Pep, I am shocked that you would post such a trivial comment about Judgement Day. Obviously, you have not been planning and preparing as carefully as you should have been. Unlike certain people, I am thoroughly prepared for the exciting events that are only moments away.

    As soon as I heard the news, I immediately decided I had better "get right" with God, so I prayed Him up to put my name on the Rapture List. I didn't exactly get a confirmation email saying that my order is being processed, so I'm putting it on my mustard seed of faith that St. Peter's got my name down. I'm still not sure if he has me listed by my maiden name or my married name. I've been keeping both sets of ID and my marriage certificate with me at all times since I first heard about the official timeline for the BIG DAY. I've had TSA mixups before, and it's not like I can just reserve a flight with another airline for this one.

    After I handled my Heavenly business, I decided to take care of a few things on this soon-to-be departed Earthly realm. First things first, I quit paying all my bills some time ago. Cash money will soon have no value, so I’ve been spending it down to the last dime in the meantime. I also sympathize with your need for gas, as my own vehicle did begin to sputter after a while. This problem was easily remedied by siphoning gas off my neighbors' tanks. Just a sip here and there, nothing that would cross the line from venial transgression into mortal sin. Besides, anyone who's "left behind" might deserve to run out of gas. They should have been ready to be raptured with the rest of us, I say.

    I feel that I must be honest and admit that I have totally let myself go. For the past several months, I have been indulging in a strict diet of salted fat back supplemented by rocky road ice cream. To hell with my earthly body now that I'm about to bounce off into my Heavenly body. There's a leak in this old building, and I probably put it there with my fat back knife.

    Now as far as personal relationships go, I finally got around to cussing out my boss for that time he wrote me up for being excessively late. (So what if it was my third flat tire excuse in a week? There are FOUR tires on my car and any one of them is bound to go flat at any time.) Yes, I was a bit rude, but it needed to be done. I've defriended everyone I know on Facebook (just because). I DO still have a friend in Jesus, but apparently He's busy with answering prayers and healing the sick instead of fully optimizing His social media presence.

    Well, that’s about it. However, I do have a backup plan just in case God is operating on CPT and the rapture doesn't come in exactly as announced. I'm having my unpaid bills forwarded to P.O. Box 1393, Sharon Hill, PA 19079 USA. Any and all bill collectors can dial 1-877-897-6222 to pursue the matter. After all, I don't see why I should be held responsible for logistical inconveniences caused by someone else's scheduling error.


  6. Seriously though, I wonder about all of the Doomsday Prophets. I’m perfectly comfortable with where I stand right now. Some people say live every day like it’s your last. That just isn’t me. I like every day like I’m hoping for a better tomorrow.


  7. I personally am not stressing over some false prophet. Seriously your trying to use a series of calculations that you've made up because your original date in sept. of 1994 didn't pan out. Because correct me if I'm wrong the Lord said " I will come like a thief in the night." and last I checked thieves never schedule times to steal from you. So I'll be right here with you until it's my time.

  8. @-A,
    You had me rolling! I'm always awake at 3am and it is much too early to be laughing at the top of my lungs! But I know I'm right with Jesus cuz I went to Margueritas yesterday and he told me I was good to go. He did pronounce his name Hay-Soos and he did keep referring to me as mammacita...But I'm on the list!!! Yay!! -A? Hey -A are you still here? I'll meet you up there!

  9. I don't want to make any religious enemies. Let me make this clear; Jesus didn't really talk to me at Margueritas. It was just some guy named Hay-soos. I clarify because when I was at work yesterday evening I showed the CDC article to to one of my co-workers. She had a confused look on her face and said, "But Zombie's aren't real."

    I just nodded my head and said, "Yeahhhhh..."

  10. Sorry, I wasn't able to answer right away. I've been busy practicing my rapture poses. I don't want to show in Heaven hunched over my laptop and picking my nose. Can't stay long, gotta best back to looking my most rapturesque!


    P.S. Anyone who thinks God doesn't have a sense of humor should spend an afternoon pondering the mysteries of the book of Numbers, chapter 22. ***Spoiler Alert: The donkey wins.***

  11. I culdn't help but to laugh at the Zombie info. oh my goodness, well, I am still here and I don't think that I am a Zombie...LOL. Sorry, I can't stop LMAO.

  12. *Wipes brow* Thank goodness. It got quiet, I was starting to worry that I was the only one left.

  13. The major interstate was closed down in Orlando tonight and I asked did the zombies attack. I was asked to step out of the car and walk a straight line lol. After that and the breath thing I whipped out my smartphone and brought up this post and the officer asked me to walk to his vehicle to pull it up. He and I stood there for a while laughing and he said be careful you never know when zombies will attack.

    I've been having watermelon margaritas on my balcony every since waiting for the first earthquake in Florida

  14. Well in No. California we had a 3.5 earthquake, so you never know.......

  15. Ive been so out of the loop. I didn't know about this until yesterday. The only earthquake was in the East Bay and it was a 3.5. What I thought was funny was the atheist billboards announcing a party today and for the main people starting this to turn over their titles for their cars because they wouldn't need them

  16. thankfully macho man randy savage saved us all....heard he went to heaven and dropped the big elbow to stop the rapture.

    thanks macho!

  17. Oh yeah, just found out about Macho Man Friday. RIP big guy. I used to be one of his fans back when I watched wrestling.


Holiday Shopping at Amazon