Thursday, February 17, 2011

5 reason's you're not married

5. You're not good enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

4. You're selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your career. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems. 

3. You're a slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn't stay recreational for long.

2. You're shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At the state of the economy. Or the bad politics of the country. And it's scaring men off.

Adapted from Tracy McMillan’s Huffington Post Blog

I found this so funny that I almost made myself late for work as I sat in my car listening to the Russ Parr Morning show. As a woman that's never been married I had to ask myself if there is some truth to this, and I actually find that there is, at least for me. Whether it's completely true or not, it was still funny as hell.


  1. I think the 5 reasons you ARE married would be just as funny!

  2. Oh Gee Here I go...

    5. You fell for Disney's propaganda.

    Your mother foolishly paraded movies such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty in front of you as a child making your impressionable mind give up all independent thinking and fall for the bullshit sold by Hollywood, that a woman needs a man to make their dreams come true.

    4. He's Rich!

    You did it! You got lucky and snagged a rich man! Yes, he’s a douche bag and he may even cheat but those 3 carat diamond earrings and Loubiton shoes that he buys to make up for it look great!

    3. Your Ugly

    Lets face it, the world is a very unkind place to an ugly girl. When you find a man who can stomach having you smile your ugly sneer across the dinner table hang on with both hands and marry his ass.

    2. Your a Control Freak Bitch.

    You are a strong, proud, independent woman, your life is exactly to your specifications, you have made sure of it! To bad you are a raging lunatic that scare children and animals with your loud overbearing ways. Suddenly the perfect man comes along he’s weak and stupid with a mother that you hate because she is just as crazy as you. Luckily your able to steal him away from mommy with manipulation and sex.

    1. You got Knocked Up.
    The condom fell off. It broke. He said he’d pull out. You had no idea that antibiotic canceled out birth control. Take your pick of excuses, whatever, you have a bun in the oven. Hell no your not going to wait around for him to pay child support he can support all three of you while you get the title and license to prove your not a hoe who doesn’t know how to make him wrap it up.

  3. the reasons you're divorced would be a nice addition as well

  4. Ben I didn't even think about that! If you write it I'll post it.

  5. i don't think i could write it without being incredibly bitter. i would start with humorous intent and end up being angry man, which is never quite the entertaining read.

  6. Aww. But I understand. What makes these funny is that they are so blunt and there is truth in it. I thought of some super super mean ones...but I think I'll pass on sharing it. LOL

  7. well if i can think of a creative way of writing it and it's still timely, i'll send it.


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