Thursday, February 24, 2011

5 reason's you're divorced

5. Sports
You enjoy sports, your other does not and does not approve of your sports affection. You have to receive permission slips for anything you might enjoy and your other does not (see item #1). Why do you want to have something outside your spouse’s enjoyment? Your spouse is all you need to satiate your life. Work + spouse = enjoyment. Huh? 

4. Your coffee is too strong
Your morning routines are vastly different. Your coffee is too strong and gives her the shits. She prefers instant coffee swill. You want to sleep in on the weekend; she wants to get up ass early and “do stuff”. Never will the twain shall meet (or something to that effect). 

3. You’re a little bit rock’n’roll and they’re a little bit country.
Similar to # 2, but you want to listen to Donald Byrd and Pig Destoyer back-to-back (and somehow that’s relaxing to you) and your partner only has music as a background every now and again.

2. Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills
While the Hollywood versions of different socio-economic matches sail away into the sunset to live happily ever after, the reality is the class differences only aggravate your partner. They aren’t seen as quirky or cute once the rings slide over the fingers. Now it’s an issue of dealing with in-laws and deciding vacations/holidays and stress/strife and ultimately resentment. Hey it does work with sane people, but who said marriage was based on anything sane?

1. You’re too clingy
Tandem is a term reserved for the Olympics or a Bicycle. Just because you’re married does not mean every daily event becomes a reason for both of you to be synchronized. You don’t need to coordinate attire nor do you have to coordinate every aspect of living. It is okay to still have some shred of individuality within the marriage realm. Women living together might sync up their cycles, but men and women living together should not be syncing up every event. 

*This brilliant creation come from Ben, one of the blog followers. Thank you Ben! While I've never been divorced (since I've never been married), number 5 is a prime example of why I am single, # 2 is the reason that my co-worker is about to become single (she made farting noises during a teleconference with our manager and analyst...). we have any more self-deprecating observations that we can post?


  1. 5 Reasons You Can't Get a Job?


  2. oh one idea i had but didn't flesh out was

    # Program manager
    One see life as a series of milestones, so marriage and the subsequent divorce were just boxes to check to make sure the 'life plan 9000' was still on track. unfortunately, the subsequent damage (emotional, financial, psychological) were just parts of the more dominant project winning out. thanks for playing.

    figured it was a little too bitter, but maybe it resonates with someone else.

  3. Ben...that was way better than what I would have written. #1 reason you are divorced...because the other person could suck a dick better than you. Now THAT is bitter.

    Oh, only change I made was to post it in descending order, but that was a good first draft! I posted them on The Sweetest Taboo. I'll let you guys know if there is feedback on it.


  4. -A, that is a good idea. If you write it, I will post it. Sounds like that movie...if you build it, they will come.


  5. well that was based on a 3 year courtship and 8 months of marriage. the classic "the person i dated and the person i married were two different people" seemed to be the case. the simple way to put it is if you saw the movie 'something new', i was the sequel - the divorce.

  6. Yeah, people change as soon as they are 'in'. I dated a guy. Never knew he was a Republican, hated rap, was a racist and chewed tobacco. The latter I found out after he came to my house to make dinner and he had a huge lump in his bottom lip...not even the side but the bottom. I'm like...what is that? If I had known the REAL person I kid-you-not, I would have NEVER got with him.

    I should write a list about 5 reasons why I want to STAY single.

  7. how about this then?5 reasons I’m going to be single

    5. Music
    I’m a music sponge. Live music and recorded music are tantamount not just to my happiness, but my survival. It’s how I deal with the world. I don’t like music for the sake of irony, but I fully realize there is humor in some of my music choices. I dig music and won’t judge you for liking yours. Just be sincere in your musical appreciation. I want to crank the Thorens up and listen to Elvin Jones ‘live at the lighthouse’ or maybe it’s just time to raise the gauntlets and listen to Judas Priest or maybe I want to shake my money-maker and listen to Johnnie Taylor ‘testify’. Oh yeah and I play drums. Ladies aren’t interested in being in the house while I’m thumping skins.

    4. Sports
    I played them as a kid and have a deep affection for sport. Except golf. That’s not a sport.

    3. Food
    I am a terrible cook outside of pasta, meat on the grill or simple oven use.

    2. Selfish
    I admit it and know it. I use the term that I appreciate my space and time and I grew up a loner, so being alone is my world is not punishment to me. I like to have alone time and having someone co-habitating really is a major ass pain. Plus it cuts into my musical endeavors.

    1. Snoring
    Seriously, I make some god-awful racket and I am a bear in the morning. Who needs to put up with that shit?

  8. Those are 5 reasons why BEN is single. Yours are nice and clean. Here are 5 reasons why Pep is single.

    5. I don’t like you.
    Honestly, I don’t. I love you, but that doesn’t mean I want to see you every day.

    4. I don’t care what I look like anymore.
    And as long as you are around I have to make some attempt to be presentable.

    3. You haven’t aged gracefully.
    You used to be somewhat good-looking. But now you look like your father…who I don’t want to have sex with.

    2. I am lazy.
    I am too lazy to put forth the effort. This includes pretending to have an orgasm, pretending to be interested in what you say, pretending to like you (see # 5)

    1. I want to pass gas in peace.
    No explanation needed.

  9. you don't like a dutch oven? and women passing gas in front of men is the ultimate compliment. we know we are truly accepted once you let the pucker loose enough to make that 'pooooooot'. and then make fun of you for having something stinky come out.

  10. You almost made be pee myself reading your comment and laughing. what is a dutch oven, other than the thing you bake a roast in?

  11. Holy shit Ben you killed me. That is hilarious!

    Pep don't ask about dutch ovens. If you don't know already you are very lucky. You will never think about roasted meat the same way if you know lol

  12. dutch ovens are signs of affection. for reals.

  13. Ewww. I looked it up on Urban Dictionary. Hmmm, my ex bf liked dutch ovens. But not mine, he liked his own.



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