Let's just make an entire thread of Top fives! Any top fives listed can (and will be) subject to repost, though the creator will always be given credit.
5 REASONS YOU ARE NOT MARRIED (Adapted from Tracy McMillan’s Huffington Post Blog)
5. You're not good enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
4. You're selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your career. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems.
3. You're a slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn't stay recreational for long.
2. You're shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At the state of the economy. Or the bad politics of the country. And it's scaring men off.
5 REASONS YOU ARE MARRIED (Contributed by Casey of Pepper Pace's blog)
5. You fell for Disney's propaganda.
Your mother foolishly paraded movies such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty in front of you as a child making your impressionable mind give up all independent thinking and fall for the bullshit sold by Hollywood, that a woman needs a man to make their dreams come true.
4. He's Rich!
You did it! You got lucky and snagged a rich man! Yes, he’s a douche bag and he may even cheat but those 3 carat diamond earrings and Loubiton shoes that he buys to make up for it look great!
3. You're Ugly
Lets face it, the world is a very unkind place to an ugly girl. When you find a man who can stomach having you smile your ugly sneer across the dinner table hang on with both hands and marry his ass.
2. You're a Control Freak Bitch.
You are a strong, proud, independent woman, your life is exactly to your specifications, you have made sure of it! To bad you are a raging lunatic that scare children and animals with your loud overbearing ways. Suddenly the perfect man comes along he’s weak and stupid with a mother that you hate because she is just as crazy as you. Luckily your able to steal him away from mommy with manipulation and sex.
1. You got Knocked Up.
The condom fell off. It broke. He said he’d pull out. You had no idea that antibiotic canceled out birth control. Take your pick of excuses, whatever, you have a bun in the oven. Hell no your not going to wait around for him to pay child support he can support all three of you while you get the title and license to prove your not a hoe who doesn’t know how to make him wrap it up.
5 REASON'S YOU'RE DIVORCED (Contributed by Ben of Pepper Pace's blog)
5. Sports
You enjoy sports, your other does not and does not approve of your sports affection. You have to receive permission slips for anything you might enjoy and your other does not (see item #1). Why do you want to have something outside your spouse’s enjoyment? Your spouse is all you need to satiate your life. Work + spouse = enjoyment. Huh?
4. Your coffee is too strong
Your morning routines are vastly different. Your coffee is too strong and gives her the shits. She prefers instant coffee swill. You want to sleep in on the weekend; she wants to get up ass early and “do stuff”. Never will the twain shall meet (or something to that effect).
3. You’re a little bit rock’n’roll and they’re a little bit country.
Similar to # 2, but you want to listen to Donald Byrd and Pig Destoyer back-to-back (and somehow that’s relaxing to you) and your partner only has music as a background every now and again.
2. Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills
While the Hollywood versions of different socio-economic matches sail away into the sunset to live happily ever after, the reality is the class differences only aggravate your partner. They aren’t seen as quirky or cute once the rings slide over the fingers. Now it’s an issue of dealing with in-laws and deciding vacations/holidays and stress/strife and ultimately resentment. Hey it does work with sane people, but who said marriage was based on anything sane?
1. You’re too clingy
Tandem is a term reserved for the Olympics or a Bicycle. Just because you’re married does not mean every daily event becomes a reason for both of you to be synchronized. You don’t need to coordinate attire nor do you have to coordinate every aspect of living. It is okay to still have some shred of individuality within the marriage realm. Women living together might sync up their cycles, but men and women living together should not be syncing up every event.
5 REASON'S YOU'RE STILL UNEMPLOYED (Contributed by -A of Pepper Pace's blog)
5. You have a crappy work ethic.
Your philosophy is “minimum work for
minimum wage.” Your last job paid just enough so wouldn’t quit outright, and you worked just enough so you wouldn’t get fired. You think being on time and showing initiative is for the haters who like to keep their nose warm and snug between the supervisor’s tightly clenched butt cheeks.
4. You’re under-qualified.
You’re not fully qualified to do, well, anything. First there’s the advanced degree you absolutely could have completed if your previous job hadn’t been so soul-shreddingly tiresome. Then there’s the certification course that cost you hundreds of dollars. How were you supposed to know that it wasn’t worth the paper it was emailed to you on? The company that administered it had a website and everything. Finally, it’s not your fault that the only job responsibility you had at your last position was to operate the staple and paper clip station. You were the master of your domain! Never a misaligned corner, and your staples were always at a perfect 45 degree angle. You signed up for hole-punch training, but alas, the course was abruptly cancelled due to a major “de-stacking” incident. Totally not your fault.
3. You love the taste of
government cheese.
No, I don’t mean that mystery loaf they used to hand out back in the 80s. I mean cold, hard government cash, welfare, unemployment, public assistance, food stamps, TANF, Sections 8, 9, and 10. Ain't no shame in your game. If the government can dish it out to rich oil companies making BILLIONS of dollars in revenue, why would anyone begrudge a few pennies trickled down to lil ole you?
2. You’re sloppy.
Casual Friday? More like casual every day. If those losers at work can’t appreciate you for your inner beauty, then they can stick their Manolos where the sun don’t shine. You will freely admit that maintenance had to ask you to clear some of the papers off your desk because they getting a mite too close to the halogen lamps suspended from the 15-foot ceiling overhead.
Fire hazard and all that. The silly string decorating your old cubicle could be characterized as a creative art experiment, but even you can’t explain why your resume is hand printed in red crayon on a McDonald’s napkin.
1. You’re a lazy dog.
Yeah, work sucks. The terms blue collar and white collar mean nothing to you. Let some other dog wear a collar. You’d rather be fun and fancy-free. Plus, there’s always some self-righteous bastard at the other end of the leash. You ain’t never been nobody’s bitch, and you ain’t never gonna be nobody’s bitch.
to be continued...
