Adaptation has been the only thing that I've actually been writing with any regularity. But then one day even that stopped. No, I don't have writers block.
For as long as I can remember I've had to deal with severe depression. Sometimes I wish that I could say that my depression is rooted in events, because than at least you can change circumstances and help your depression. My circumstances haven't always been good and perhaps I thought that was the catalyst for my state of mind. However when you feel yourself unraveling when there is money in the bank, your newest novel is in the top 100 sales and you have a wonderful boyfriend that is crazy about you, and kids well adjusted...then you can't place the blame for your depression on your 'circumstances'.
Writing was my ways to explore my mental pain or to ignore it--whichever the case might have been at the time. At times I wrote like a cutter cuts. Without writing the pressure built up inside of me until I was physically sick. I carried my laptop with me and never stayed out too long because I needed to write. I wrote in online groups--many of them. I wrote when visiting people, I even wrote while on the telephone receiving news that my father's cancer was terminal. I half listened and frantically wrote.
By the time that you were introduced to the writings of Pepper Pace I had discovered that writing novels and stories could satisfy my needs in the way that writing in online RPG groups could not. Now I could write at my own pace and I relinquished my much loved groups.
Understand that writing for me has NEVER been about becoming famous, or rich, or even popular. Don't get me wrong--I willingly accept any of that. But its not my goal, not even now. Now that I'm at my most popular as a writer I don't even write.
I do not write. Not because I'm mean and I don't want to finish the next volume of a story. I just don't write.
Let's talk about anti-depressants. Without anti depressants I can write like a CRAZY person. See my dilemma? While on anti-depressants there are no highs and no lows. Zombie? Not quite but something more like sweet blessed evenness. Yes, I have gone through this before. Again, this is my life. I write in cycles--frantically for a while until I can write no more. It sucks to be cycling off right at the apex of my popularity but I can no more control this than I can predict the future. I do not know when its coming and I do not know when it's going to end. I don't even know IF its going to end. All I know is that I do not write when I'm in this place.
Can I write? Yes I can. And I would if I was under contract or something similar so thankfully I never followed through with that contract with EC or I'd be twitching right now (J/K). It would just take me a very very long time because I am going to zone out and not stay on task because...again, anti depressants are not conducive to creativity.
What can you do to help me out?
Just understand. There are days when I don't want to talk and its not because I'm mean or unfriendly but because all I can do is take one step at a time. The reason that I share this is not because I feel I owe anyone an explanation, but because I know there are other people who have similar feelings. Some may think; snap out of it. But if you could you would. You would never choose to feel this way. Depression is one of those acceptable mental illnesses...but it's still mental illness and it doesn't put me in a 'happy place' to tell my fans about my own battle with it.
Blogging is not writing. You're creating a story and dialogue and continuity when you are writing a story. But in blogging you are just writing your random thoughts. In this way it helps and I've been blogging a lot. But not here on Writing Feedback. I feel like this blog is about my writing (or lack thereof). But I created another blog that is just my errant thoughts. It's called The Rampant Randomness of Pepper Pace aka Kim Chambers. It's like...scary Facebook. You can keep up with my ramblings there if you like. It's not always good to know whats in my head but alas, that is just honesty.
I will keep you posted here on my continued mental progress (smile).
|I've heard all of these...sadly, I've been depressed a loooong time|