First let me just thank you for providing your opinions on whether or not this story should be re-edited. I had decided that I saw room for improvements, and it is time to reveal them. I'm still plodding forward and haven't reached chapter 12 but there is plenty of new stuff covered in these revised chapters.
To make things easier for those that have no interest in reading these chapters just to see the changes, I've included a very brief synopsis. They are spoilers so if you are going to actually read the re-edits be fore-warned.
Also, I've tweaked this entire story from beginning to end. One of the things that I tweaked has to do with the terrorism story line and Osama Bin Laden's capture and execution. The full re-edited story will appear on Literotica.
I want to briefly mention the stats to this blog. Yesterday there were 2,014 views. Today, thus far, there are 1,662. Do you guys know why there are so many? Because of refreshing the page. LOL! Thanks for checking back so much! You are the best readers that any author could hope to have. Please enjoy the updates!
Chapter 8
-In this chapter Ashleigh and Christopher have just left his parent's house for Sunday dinner. Back at Ashleigh's apartment they give in to passion. Christopher reveals to his team that he now has a girlfriend...and they are crude as they good naturedly give him a hard time. Ashleigh makes him dinner and he sees a picture of DeAngelo for the first time and feels insecure about his looks. Ashleigh proves her love to him and later he confronts his sister and demands she respect his relationship. Feeling like everything is finally perfect in her world, Ashleigh is shocked to learn that Kendra doesn't think she and Christopher are a good match. She walks out of the office and straight to a vending machine where she binges on candy. She goes back up to the office feeling calmer and confronts her friends. Meanwhile, Christopher has watched on the monitors and after seeing the way she ate the candy is now concerned. During dinner he gives her an opportunity to come clean about sneaking the candy--instead she lies. The lie concerns Christopher, yet he doesn't tell her he knows. After making love he gets out of bed to workout and Ashleigh watches since he has agreed to do it in the nude. The chapter ends with Christopher realizing that love creates worry; worrying about Ashleigh's health, worrying about DeAngelo coming back into her life and worrying about the lie she told him. End chapter 8
Chapter 9
-In this chapter Ashleigh and Christopher go to the Madd Crab with Ashleigh's friends and form a budding friendship. And then Lance and the girls are attacked by redneck bullies. Feeling partially responsible, Christopher swears that he will always protect her and she assures him that she knows he will always be there for her. For the first time he worries and wonders what if he isn't always there. The two attend Sunday dinner at the Jameson's house again which is uneventful other than Alma's apology under Christopher's watchful eyes. Ashleigh yearns for a family like Christopher's instead of her family that is spread out. Feeling that he might want to marry Ashleigh, Monday morning Christopher speaks to his Commander and requests to be taken off the roster to perform Special Missions. His Commander tries to talk him out of it but he tells him that he has found something that he loves more than being a Marine. The two decide to keep it a secret until Christopher has found another job and can be reassigned, fearing that the rest of the team will be hostile to him. And just as things are going well, Christopher learns that they are going out on a mission and as he has not found a new job he is included. He takes Ashleigh to dinner and reveals this to her. End chapter 9
woohoo!
ReplyDeleteHey Pep! Had to take a hiatus for some really time-consuming work and travel and I get back and you have this great story waiting. I love Beast! Hell, I loved chapters 1-12 so much...I won't embarrass myself by telling you where I read them or what I stopped doing to read them.
ReplyDeleteNow, you know I love your writing but I'm having a problem dealing with the way this story is going. I've been belly-aching the past week or so whether to write or not. But I just have to do this.
I don't mean that I don't like the story itself, but the whole re-editing, etc. feels weird - and not because we've had to wait for the updates (really!!)
I get it that a writer has to be cool with his own story and you kinda plausibly explained why you thought you had to take the time to re-edit certain parts of the story. But I can't help but get the feeling that most of it was based on the comments (I deliberately won't us the word criticism) left here by some readers. While I'm not knocking your other (more trusty) followers, I don't think that we need to be spoon-fed certain information. You should have the license as a writer to not need to spell out everything. As we have expectations in you, you should be allowed to have certain expectations in us.
I'm not gonna take this any further at this point. But I might comment on some parts in the re-edited chapters. Hope you don't take this post the wrong way and I'm really looking forward to the rest of your changes.
xx
Hi lasoeurafroallemande & welcome back! When you say, 'spoon fed certain information' I think you are saying that it is not necessary to go into a lot of detail about day to day events within a story.
ReplyDeleteIf that is what you're saying then check out the re-edits and tell me if you think they improve the over-all story. I saw certain holes myself and then they were pointed out by others. I've read hundreds of comments on this story (TST has 795 comments on this story alone!). Almost all of it was exceedingly positive. But when others picked up on what I also had...I needed to change it.
But if you are meaning by 'spoon-fed' that I don't need to bounce my actions/decisions off you the reader than *Points to the title of the blog* I hope that I've never taken any criticism against a story in a bad way. I can't respond to every single criticism; like if someone says-this story is boring. That doesn't help me. This story is boring because...??? It's too long...the characters don't interest me...you take too long to get to the point...stop writing about fat people...WHAT?
I know that I have a different relationship with my readers then most other authors. I trust you to tell me what you want in a story. I can't tell you how many times I've read a story and it's missed it's mark and I ask myself...don't they bounce these off people before they print them??? You guys are my BOUNCEES!!!
Now, I'm going to be honest here. I'll be very pissed off if people DON'T give me real feedback. Don't jump on the fucking bandwagon if 50 other people love the story because it hits home with them but something is missing for you. Tell me! I might not change the story but it truly makes me into a better writer because then I can hit home the next time I write. Don't apologize, either. *Writing Feedback* That title alone empowers you to critique my stories!
So you understand that you are giving me something for free that others have to find disinterested people and pay them to do; read their work and give honest feedback. I'm very lucky.
So...if that wasn't what you were saying by 'spoon-fed' scratch everything I just said.
Oh yeah, I meant to say that I started writing this story months ago while waiting for the results of the poll. I sent the first half of the first chapter to a friend whose opinion I trust without fault. He is one of the few people who will say if something sucks w/o fear of me falling into a little puddle of self-doubt.
ReplyDeleteHe didn't like it.
After I scraped myself off the floor and cleaned up the little puddle of self-doubt, he explained that most of my readers will like it and apologized but said it didn't do anything for him. I put it on the back burner to develop further at a later date and proceeded to write a story that deeply touched him...and is the story that I was writing when I became interested in Beast again.
I wish I had listened to my friend a little better because though Beast is a good story and well liked, that first chapter is the only post I've ever made on Literotica that didn't get a great big [H] for hotlisted. I don't intend any re-edits on it though.
Pep, you're being a little hard on yourself over the first chapter of this story, but it is true the introduction of Beast in the second chapter gave the story something the first chapter lacked. I think if people look at the first chapter as a kind of prelude to the real story, it then holds its own, and may eventually get you that 'H' as new readers see it in that light, and vote accordingly.
ReplyDeleteEvery chapter you write is a five, in my books.
JG
I'm glad you decided to rewrite the Beast story, not that I thought it was bad -- I liked it -- but I felt it was missing too many Beauty and the Beast themes to be a good retelling of the classic fairytale.
ReplyDeleteI thought WOS was more of a Beauty and the Beast story than your original Beast. Here's the B&B storyline, and WOS hits all of them...
1. Beast and the servants in his castle are physically abnormal.
2. Beast has a reputation for treating people, especially women, badly.
3. Beauty is beautiful, both inside and out.
4. Beauty is repulsed both by Beast's physical form and his evil personality.
5. Despite her desire to leave, Beauty is trapped with Beast with no way out.
6. Beast falls in love with Beauty and learns to be kind to others.
7. Beauty falls in love with Beast despite his physical deformities.
8. Beast eventually allows Beauty to leave.
9. Even though she is free to go, Beauty decides to stay.
10. Beauty and the Beast express their love in a physical manner.
11. Beast is transformed into a handsome prince.
12. Beauty, Beast, and his servants all live happily ever after. The end.
WOS had them in a slightly different order, but they were all there. Plus, it had the B&B element of magic and mystery, since the no one really understands the source of Beast’s physical deformities, and it is entirely outside of his control.
The first version of Beast didn't quite hit all the marks. Obviously the story wasn't finished, and there’s really no need to include the entire B&B plot, but I think the story will be better with some extra touches.
-A.
Great parallels, -A!
ReplyDeleteThis is the version I read before writing my own;
http://www.yankeeweb.com/library/storytime/grimmbros/grimmbros_5.html
I really like the new edits - the whole storyline seems to flow much better now :-) Can't wait to read them on Lit - do you know when they might post?
ReplyDeleteStarry
Hi Starry, they are actually posting now. A new update is appearing every 3-4 days. Keep in mind that the chapters don't match in length to what is posted here. I doubt if I will even get to 12 chapters.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback!
Great! I shall check them out momentarily!
ReplyDeleteIt was my pleasure to give feedback and I am really glad that it was helpful :-)
Starry
Thanks for replying to my post - I really like that about you..how you take your readers seriously.
ReplyDeleteI was gone again for a while so I don't know if it's wise or necessary to start up where I left off with my previous comment.
Will just say this though, have finished reading Beast, loved it (especially the Epilogue), but there was something that felt off and I can't quite put my finger on it. Will have to let that feeling settle first...before I move on to the next project you've started posting.
Seriously do you ever rest?! You're spoiling us rotten - but I'm not gonna stop you :-)