Pepper Pace's official comment board and hangout spot to entertain discussions of art, music and random musings.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
BEAST chapter 12
Sorry!!! Messed up briefly by posting chapter 12 minus the first several paragraphs. If you had hit this link before seeing this message just go back and read the beginning. Sorry!
Oh man I hate to do this but I have to say that for me this story missed the mark. I felt like it was rushed. Also I personally thought that you didn't show the relationship between Christopher and Ashliegh as well as you could have, you skipped so many oppertunities to show the chemistry and relationship building that went on during the workouts. I was disappointed.
I'm listening Casey. Is there something specific that you would have liked to have seen? Or an issue explored deeper. Please be detailed. Not sure what I could have done different. Tell me.
Casey, I kinda agree too. I felt this chapter was a little rushed as well. All of a sudden, after only a couple of dates, there is pregnancy, marriage, falling into each others arms... and they've only known one another about a month and a half - not including all the time Christopher wasn't actually there but having his surgeries. It feels unrealistic and as if you have crammed a few chapters into just one and, as Casey mentioned, missed opportunities to show their relationship continuing to develop and grow.
Also, I personally found Ashleigh's descent into bulimia pretty terrifying - not only because it is an awful illness for anyone to have but because it seemed a little strange for Ashleigh to behave like that out of the blue. It sort of just came completely out of nowhere and didn't seem to fit with her character.
I am a *huge* fan of your work and I genuinely mean to provide constructive and helpful feedback - I wouldn't mention any of this if I didn't love your writing!!
Yes, I do mean this chapter specifically. I thought the other chapters read through just fine. Up to this point, each chapter showed a couple newly infatuated with one another and that had the potential to develop into love. It was only with the latest chapter that all of a sudden at least a few months worth of relationship development were rushed together.
No worries and I'm glad you find the feedback helpful!
I think I can understand why you developed the story as you did - having a scene in which Christopher returns, swathed in bandages, to a pregnant Ashleigh who is recently out of hospital is wonderfully dramatic and full of emotion. For me at least, there is room to develop these parts separately and, in this way, each factor is given its own importance and focus without losing any drama.
It makes the story move faster to do it that way and allows me to get to the next part...which I'm excited about. But hell! Not at the expense of ruining this story. I need to think on it, though...
I couldn't write 'awesome' stories without my feedback 'crew'!
I am most definitely excited about what you have in store for us with the next chapter... *waiting with bated breath* and I'm also looking forward to reading the story on Lit to see any changes you make!
Good luck with the next instalment - I'll be looking out for it before heading down to Westminster to see as much of the Royal wedding as I can!
*Swipes brow I thought I was going to be hurt for that message. I left it vauge so you could take it or leave it.
It's a great story with weak main characters. Their was no relationship development between them you talk more about music, exercise and best friend Debbie the there was between Ash and Beast.
I tend to agree with the comments about the last chapter being rushed and the time line. I also felt that there was no character and/or relationship development.
I love the story but parts are unrealistic. Her Mom just invites a complete stranger (whose face is mainly covered in bandages) into Ash's home because he says his name is Christopher? The relationship with his sister is resolved over a mutual love of Louboutins?
Pep, I love your work! Hope you appreciate my critiques.
Oh man I hate to do this but I have to say that for me this story missed the mark. I felt like it was rushed. Also I personally thought that you didn't show the relationship between Christopher and Ashliegh as well as you could have, you skipped so many oppertunities to show the chemistry and relationship building that went on during the workouts. I was disappointed.
ReplyDeleteI'm listening Casey. Is there something specific that you would have liked to have seen? Or an issue explored deeper. Please be detailed. Not sure what I could have done different. Tell me.
ReplyDeletePep
Casey, I kinda agree too. I felt this chapter was a little rushed as well. All of a sudden, after only a couple of dates, there is pregnancy, marriage, falling into each others arms... and they've only known one another about a month and a half - not including all the time Christopher wasn't actually there but having his surgeries. It feels unrealistic and as if you have crammed a few chapters into just one and, as Casey mentioned, missed opportunities to show their relationship continuing to develop and grow.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I personally found Ashleigh's descent into bulimia pretty terrifying - not only because it is an awful illness for anyone to have but because it seemed a little strange for Ashleigh to behave like that out of the blue. It sort of just came completely out of nowhere and didn't seem to fit with her character.
I am a *huge* fan of your work and I genuinely mean to provide constructive and helpful feedback - I wouldn't mention any of this if I didn't love your writing!!
Starry
Starry, do you think it was just this last chapter that felt rushed? Because I'm think Casey means even before this chapter.
ReplyDeleteYes, I do mean this chapter specifically. I thought the other chapters read through just fine. Up to this point, each chapter showed a couple newly infatuated with one another and that had the potential to develop into love. It was only with the latest chapter that all of a sudden at least a few months worth of relationship development were rushed together.
ReplyDeleteStarry
Let me try to rework this chapter then. I do rewrites for Literotica. Oh yeah the story is posting on Lit and it does have slight changes.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to have some more feedback on this chapter to see what others think about it being rushed.
Thanks guys! You are awesome!
No worries and I'm glad you find the feedback helpful!
ReplyDeleteI think I can understand why you developed the story as you did - having a scene in which Christopher returns, swathed in bandages, to a pregnant Ashleigh who is recently out of hospital is wonderfully dramatic and full of emotion. For me at least, there is room to develop these parts separately and, in this way, each factor is given its own importance and focus without losing any drama.
Starry
btw - you are the awesome one for writing such great stories!!
ReplyDeleteStarry
It makes the story move faster to do it that way and allows me to get to the next part...which I'm excited about. But hell! Not at the expense of ruining this story. I need to think on it, though...
ReplyDeleteI couldn't write 'awesome' stories without my feedback 'crew'!
That's such a kind thing to say!
ReplyDeleteI am most definitely excited about what you have in store for us with the next chapter... *waiting with bated breath* and I'm also looking forward to reading the story on Lit to see any changes you make!
Good luck with the next instalment - I'll be looking out for it before heading down to Westminster to see as much of the Royal wedding as I can!
Starry
*Swipes brow
ReplyDeleteI thought I was going to be hurt for that message. I left it vauge so you could take it or leave it.
It's a great story with weak main characters. Their was no relationship development between them you talk more about music, exercise and best friend Debbie the there was between Ash and Beast.
I tend to agree with the comments about the last chapter being rushed and the time line. I also felt that there was no character and/or relationship development.
ReplyDeleteI love the story but parts are unrealistic. Her Mom just invites a complete stranger (whose face is mainly covered in bandages) into Ash's home because he says his name is Christopher? The relationship with his sister is resolved over a mutual love of Louboutins?
Pep, I love your work! Hope you appreciate my critiques.